


make it easy (say i never mattered)

by explows



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-26 18:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5015179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/explows/pseuds/explows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>au; hide finds kaneki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	make it easy (say i never mattered)

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'young volcanoes' by fall out boy
> 
> basically the kaneki & touka bridge scene, but instead of touka, it's hide!
> 
> no explanation as to why hide was there!!!! where is touka???? wasnt touka rushing after kaneki???? i have no answers!!! the prompt was to do the bridge scene with kaneki & hide so here i am, granting wishes

_“Surprised to see you here, Touka-chan!” Hide says enthusiastically as he puts down the two cups of coffee._

_She explains to him how she wants to go to college there in Kamii University. Hide makes a sound of joy as he takes a sip of his coffee. It burns his tongue, he didn’t give it enough time to cool off, but he needs an excuse to do something._

_“I –,” they both begin at the same time, but Hide insists she go first._

_What she says peeks Hide’s interests almost immediately, eyes widening as he stares down at his cup. The coffee is black and too strong, leaving a bitter after taste in his mouth._

_“Still can’t find Kaneki-san?”_

_Hide is right across from her, only a small table in-between them. He’s there, but he doesn’t feel there. He feels far away and distant. Talking, even thinking about Kaneki brings his mood down. Funny, how it’s all he thinks about right now._

_He sighs, and the liquid in the coffee cup shakes. “Yeah.”_

 

 

Hide finds him. Of course he does. Hide always finds him.

Kaneki is standing on the bridge when Hide arrives, a tight grip on the rails and an even tighter feeling in his heart. He knows Hide is right there, looking at him, with that bright fucking smile of his like always, but he can’t bring it in himself to look. For if he does, he’ll break. He knows he will. He’ll break and spill all the truths and he just can’t do that.

Hide strides over. Kaneki can hear it. Can hear every clicking step, and each one almost sends shivers down his spine.

He keeps a distance though, and Kaneki appreciates it. From peripheral vision, Kaneki sees Hide looking out at the view in front of him, sees Hide is mesmerized. Kaneki wishes it’d stay like this, quiet, no words being said, but is certain that won’t happen. Hide is a determined person. Will push, and push, and push - subtly - until Kaneki shatters.

Kaneki lowers his gaze to his hands, studying the details of each finger. He notices the little things; like his middle finger being slightly more curved than the rest, and how his hands never seem to stop shaking. It’s then that Hide speaks up.

“Been a while, Kaneki.” Hide’s voice is nothing but sweet. He sounds calm and peaceful, and he has that certain  _thing_  about his voice that makes it so soothing, so inviting, and Kaneki wants to drown in it.

He doesn’t reply.

 

 

 _“Touka-chan_ ,”  _Hide smiles at the girl in front of him, “I also remember a shy kid like him, playing a role in a play once.”_

_“Kaneki played a role?” Touka looks genuinely surprised, and it brings even a bigger smile onto Hide’s face. Kaneki Ken is a surprising human-being._

_“Yeah!” Hide chuckles, “even though he didn’t really want to, but he was a pretty good actor. Was really into it later on, too.”_

_Touka hums to herself, and Hide takes it as a sign to carry on._

_“I don’t know if it’s because of this but, it’s like he’s pretending to be someone else, or he’s putting on a mask.”_

_Touka’s eyes gaze off._

 

It’s quiet, again, after that. The only noise coming from the city that never seems to sleep at night. Bright lights everywhere, cars left-and-right. Barely able to see the stars in the sky at night. Kaneki doesn’t turn to look at Hide, no matter how much he wants to. He wants to, my God, how much he wants to. But if he does, who knows what he’d do. Most probably something he’d regret. Kiss him. Eat him. Hurt him.

Kaneki has caused enough pain as it is.

“Where were you all this time?” Hide asks. They’re both looking out into the view right in front of them. Kaneki doesn’t want to answer. Doesn’t want to scare him away. Doesn’t want to be left alone. But something tells him Hide already knows.

 _“Yeah, maybe I am selfish,”_ Kaneki thinks to himself. Part of him refuses to let go of him, of Hide, but the other part knows its best. Though, somewhere deep inside, Kaneki is glad Hide doesn’t want to give him up either. 

Kaneki lets out a steady breath, puffs of air escaping out of his mouth. Has Tokyo always been this cold? He closes his eyes, shut tight, counts to five, just like his mother had taught him to do when he was nervous, and opens them up again. He turns his head to the side, eyes landing on Hide, and everything he’d thought to say was gone. It’s like his mind had pressed the delete button. Everything vanished and he couldn’t think of anything but  _HideHideHideHideHide._

Right in front of him, was most possibly the most breath-taking creature alive. Hide had on a soft beanie, blond hair flinging out from the front and sides. Kaneki wanted nothing more than to lean forward and touch it. To feel those locks on his fingers, to run his pale fingers through it. He wants to smell it, bask in the sweet scent of watermelon and musky cologne.

Hide smiles softly when Kaneki meets his eyes. It’s the kind of smile that makes Kaneki feel warm all over. Hide always emits this soft glow. He’s so good with people. With everyone. He’s different to Kaneki, sure, and Hide would never be able to understand how immense the struggles he’s facing truly are, but Kaneki wouldn’t have him any other way.

He coughs. Eyes frantically searching for anything but Hide’s eyes. Fuck, what  _can_  he say. Kaneki’s good at lies, but right now, in this moment, with the person he cares for most standing right in front of him looking as wonderful as ever, it’s hard to think of anything that won’t sound completely ridiculous.

“Hard to catch up on my reading in a city this alive. I had to go somewhere quiet.” It’s a joke. Kaneki means it as a joke. Something to steer away from the real answer. Hide hums, smile still perfectly still on his face, but his eyes, they look distant. Far away.

“I hope –“ Hide cuts himself off, “Are you happy?”

Kaneki is taken aback by the question. He doesn’t answer straight away. Waits a bit, and he knows Hide won’t mind. Hide is far too patient with him. Hide deserves so much better than Kaneki, but Kaneki so desperately doesn’t want Hide to let go of him. He hates this, this selfish need for Hide to keep wanting him. He doesn't want Hide to vanish from his life. Well, he does, but only for his safety, of course! He wants to keep Hide safe. But he also wants Hide to follow him every where. To be there always. He hates himself for being so selfish and contradicting.

His elbow rests on the rails of the bridge, blowing his hair back. His chin rests on his palm, the tips of his fingers gently stroking his chin. “Very,” he lies, and Hide's smile almost loses its glow.

 

 

_"Touka-chan, did you know Kaneki has a habit,” Hide adjusts the cap on his head._

_“A habit?”_

_Hide hums in reply. “If he’s hiding something he’ll touch his chin, like this.”_

_He demonstrates, then explodes into a fit of loud giggles. “But keep it a secret from Kaneki!”_

 

“Kaneki.” His name sounds so wonderful when Hide says it. He’s never been very fond of his name, never really been fond of anything about him, but Hide always changes his mind. He has that skill. Kaneki wants to hear Hide says his name all the time, in every situation possible. Whether it be because he made a funny joke, or Hide teasing him, or Hide shouting at him in public when they’re distances away, completely embarrassing Kaneki. He’d like to hear his name be called in bed, when the covers are on the floor and clothes are across the room, when they’re spread out on the mattress, sweat-covered, when they become  _one._

It’d be a complete gift to have his name called in that situation.

“I do hope,” Hide continues, smile getting wider and head tilting to the side, “that you weren’t too lonely in the time you were gone.” Kaneki thinks the best word to describe him would be Sunshine.

Kaneki tries so very hard not to kiss his chapped lips.

 

 

_“In Fifth Grade, he seemed like your average shy and nerdy kid, but after his mother died he seemed different.”_

_Hide hears Touka release a shuddery breath. His thumbs circle around each other as he resumes._

_“Since then, he seemed very lonely.”_

_Hide’s only regret was not being enough for Kaneki._

 

 

“But, really,” Hide swallows, “why’d you disappear?”

Hide sounds serious. He looks serious. His eyes bore into Kaneki’s, and Kaneki doesn’t move a muscle. He’s trying so hard to be in-control of this conversation between them, but it feels like he’s losing.

“I told you, because –“

“ _Kaneki._ ”

Hide doesn’t sound particular angry, of course he doesn’t. He never does. He’s perfect, and everything Kaneki doesn’t deserve. He sounds frustrated, like he’s about to break down. Like he’s tired and just wants the truth. Kaneki can relate.

Kaneki sighs.

“You probably know that I'm a gh-”

Hide chuckles, “I know.”

Of course he knows. His white hair, eyepatch, and mask in hand tell no lie. Kaneki tries to beat around the bush as much as he can. He can tell he won’t be able to keep this act up much longer. Hide may be patient, but he’s frustrated right now.

“I’m not sure I can return back to Anteiku. I want to protect everyone.”

Hide scoffs. Kaneki knows it’s not meant to be of offence, but he can’t help but tense up. He cracks his forefinger to have something to do.

“Protect, huh?” Hide sounds amused, “man, now that’s not something you hear every day!” Kaneki wants to pull Hide close and hold him, and beg him to disappear with him.

“You're still the same, Kaneki.”

Kaneki relaxes.

 

 

_Kaneki has always been the quiet kid. The one who preferred books over a game of ‘Ball’ or ‘Hide and Seek.’ He spent most of his time reading, keeping to himself, and that seems to be what got him in trouble most._

_“What are you reading! Is that even interesting?” Boys would tease him. Towering over him from his seat. He didn’t fear though, wouldn’t even fight back. He’d simply give them his brightest smile and share with them the title of the book._

_Hide would always find a way to bail him out of the mess though, has always been Kaneki’s biggest hero. He’d have to thank Hide continuous times after every moment like this._

_“Why don’t you fight back?” Hide would ask, not understanding Kaneki’s ‘it's better to be hurt than to hurt others’ motto. Seemed quite stupid and mindless to him._

_Kaneki would shrug, sliding his bookmark between the pages and shutting the book._

_“It’s not a big deal. I think it's fine.”_

_Hide never thought he’d be so bitter when Kaneki actually started listening to his advice. Hide guesses he was never needed for anything else anyway. He's not needed anymore._

 

“How long?” Kaneki turns back to the scenery in front of him.

“Hm?” Hide does just the same.

“How long have you known about this?”

Hide lets out an airy laugh, hands in his coat pockets, and face numb from the cold. “A while.”

Kaneki hums, arm laying loose against the railing as he studies his nails. “Am I really that transparent.”

It’s not a question, but Hide answers it anyway.

“More or less.”

That pin-drop silence is back again. Kaneki doesn’t know why he’s here, why he’s standing on the bridge next to the most important person in his life, and being completely cold. He cares for Hide deeply, but he can’t show it. He wants to be around Hide like before, but he fears the outcome. He fears the day he’ll eat Hide, hunger taking over him. He’s tried before, and he can’t trust himself enough right now to be around Hide. It’s a wonder he’s with him right now.

“You’re not coming back.” It’s not a question, more of a conclusion. A thought Hide is trying to get wrapped around his head. Kaneki hums in response, posture straight and proud, the complete opposite to Hide’s slouched one. Kaneki will miss him.

“I – I love you,” Hide stutters, "I love you and I want you to know that. To know that nothing will ever change that. I love you, Kaneki."

Kaneki loves him too. He loves Hide. He loves him when he wakes up and he loves him when he's going to bed. He loves him when Hide protects him and he loves him when he protects Hide. He loves him right now.

And so, with new-found courage, he closes the distance. They weren’t that far apart, but they felt worlds away. In a way, they were. Kaneki strode closer with a quiet step, one hand still on the railing, and leaned in. Hide made a soft noise against his lips, obviously taken by surprise. God, what Kaneki would do to hear that over again.

The kiss feels nothing like Kaneki had imagined it would be like. It feels like sparks inside his stomach, and his hands feel numb, feet buzzing. He doesn’t know where to place his other hand, so he grabs onto the side of Hide’s coat. Hide’s hand cups Kaneki’s cheek, and suddenly his cold body is too hot. He feels like he’s burning. Everything hurts, but he can’t get away, too mesmerized by the glow.

“Kane –,” but Kaneki swallows up the rest with another kiss. No, right now it’s about Kaneki and Hide and colds hands against warm ones and hips grinding on hips. Tonight is about getting lost in the moment. Kaneki just wants to be with him, to remember this moment.

It’s embarrassing, the way he was about to downright whine when Hide gently pried Kaneki off.

“Kaneki,” Hide said breathlessly, eyes looking back into Kaneki’s, “going a bit too fast, don’t you think?”

“Never,” Kaneki replies, just as breathless. He licks his lips, can still taste Hide’s minty mouth.

They’re both hard, that much is obvious, and oh-so into this. Kaneki wishes to pull Hide close again and feel his breathing quicken when he licks into his mouth.

Hide turns back, elbows resting on the rail and head slumped forward in what looks like complete stress and frustration. Kaneki wants to peck the space in-between his furrowed eyebrows.

“ _Why?_ ” Hide’s head turns to the side, staring at Kaneki. His face looks painful, like he’s deciding between punching Kaneki right in the gut, or crying. Fuck, even when he does something in hopes for the pain he's causing people around him to stop, it just gets worse. He keeps hurting everyone around him. He’s dangerous, and a fuck up, and Kaneki desperately wants the ground to swallow him up. Wants to stop this pain from the people he loves.

Kaneki stares at the ground, the same old boring dirty shade.

“To protect the ones I love.” Lie. He doesn't want to be alone.

Hide scoffs, and this time it’s worse than any punch to the gut. “And you think to do that you have to –“

“Leave everybody behind,” Kaneki finishes off. He snaps his head up to meet Hide’s eyes. “Yes.”

Hide looks like he might just rip his hair out. Or Kaneki’s.

“You can’t just protect everyone!” Hide shouts, and it’s the first time he’s seen him like this. So absolutely different to the calm, over-confident Hide he knew. “It’s impossible! No matter what you do, no matter who you kill, no matter where you run, you can’t just protect everyone, Ka _neki_!” Hide’s voice cracks at the end, and he sounds vulnerable. Like a plate that might shatter if you don’t handle with care.

The side of Kaneki’s lips curl up. It’s a small, soft smile, but it counts. One of the first he’s done in a long while. No one really understands Kaneki’s reasons. Kaneki doesn't even understand Kaneki's reasons.

“I don't want to be on my own. That's the reason.” He wonders who the  _real_  vulnerable one is here.

“Well, you don’t have to  _be_ on your own, Kaneki. You were never on your own. You have Touka-chan, you have the people of Anteiku,  _waiting_  for your return,” Hide falters before lowly, quietly adding in, “you have me.”

“I’m not protecting them in order to feel less alone,” Kaneki raises his voice. “I just want to protect them. With all I have.” God, he’s gotten so good at lying.

Hide chuckles, and it leaves a bitter feeling in the air. “Didn’t know you were so lonely, Kaneki.”

But maybe not good enough.

“I –“

“I’m sorry.” Kaneki feels something twist in his gut. He won’t cry, but it feels like he might. He doesn't know why Hide is apologizing, but it relaxes Kaneki, makes him let go a bit.

 

 

_“He should have talked to me about it, though! We grew up together!” Hide whines to Touka._

 

Kaneki pays closer attention to Hide this time. The way his face softens when he’s content, the way it scrunches up around the cheeks when he’s happy, or how it blossoms red when angry. Hide is so fascinating, the way he works. Just merely being in his presence is enough to make your day. He’s loud and bubbly and caring, and it should annoy Kaneki, the way he is, but instead Hide makes his heart leap and his cheeks burn.

Hide has that beauty about him, something about him, that makes him so stunning. He has the ability to light up a room with his glow, and when he smiles it feels like everything is falling into place. He’s considerate and bright and – and Kaneki doesn’t want to let him go.

 

 

_“Are you eating okay?”_

_“Eh,” Kaneki said with uneasiness._

_“You look kinda pale.” Hide turns to Kaneki. “If you don’t eat, your body won’t hold up.”_

 

Sad, that Kaneki didn’t have a choice in all this. In anything really. If he did, he’d be right back at home with Hide lazing around his apartment, watching old Japanese horror movies and shouting out – far too loud for Kaneki’s liking – “I knew it! I knew he was the killer!” while taking another bite of his burger. And then Kaneki would snicker at his best friend, while he tittered about how intelligent he is and how he should “totally be a detective, man!”

He didn’t know when he started to fall in love with Hide. It was a slow thing – something gradual – but something that’s always kind of been there. Kaneki just hadn’t seemed to notice it until now.

His lips itch, and he wishes to kiss Hide again, to feel those lips move against his, to take in some of his warmth. Hide makes him feel so – human. Less miserable. Wants to taste Hide again. He always tastes so sweet, so good, that it fills Kaneki with so much want.

“I hope you don’t think that you can just leave me, Kaneki,” he says, “bit selfish, don’t you think?”

“I’m full of that.”

Hide puffs out a laugh – the kind that waves the air around in the cold weather – and turns to the ghoul. “Please take care of yourself, Kaneki Ken, or I’ll be very cross with you when I find you once again.” It sounds like a joke, but Kaneki knows it has a truth behind it. That Hide won’t give up on trying to look for him after this. But – but he can’t risk Hide getting hurt. Kaneki is distancing himself for a reason – why can’t anybody see that?

But – then again – Kaneki doesn’t want this to end either. Because once Kaneki leaves, the friendship between them, it’ll close. It’ll be a finished book. There’ll be no more Hide and Kaneki and watching horror movies on weekends and texting during a lecture and harmless teasing and the whole house always smelling like cheap cologne and – Kaneki has to let him go.

“Well,” Hide chuckles, “just know that I’ll find you, and I’ll drag you back myself.”

Kaneki is still studying the side of Hide’s face when he says that. He sort of wants to nip at his earlobe – see what kind of sounds he can erupt out of Hide, then.

“I look forward to it,” Kaneki replies.

 

 

Hide finds him. Just like he’d promised. Kaneki is injured and in a sewer, isn’t exactly himself, but Hide is there, in front of him. Home is right in front of him.

 _Fool,_ he thinks,  _I’m so in love with you._

**Author's Note:**

> kudos is appreciated!


End file.
